my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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