everyone is single if you try hard enough
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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