the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
