If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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