So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
