How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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