Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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