We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
