Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
