The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
