She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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