I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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