do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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