if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
