I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
