guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
