my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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