I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
