His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
