i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
