We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My feet surprised me
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