You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
