I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
