remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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