I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
