You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish š
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a āfireplaceā station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
