textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
