Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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