I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
