this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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