well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
