I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
