So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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