the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
