This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
