So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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