Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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