youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
this is an emotional support booty call
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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