god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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