I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
