I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
