You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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