Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
