i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
