I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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