Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
