Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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