Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
