i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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