Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
